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January 7, 2021 at 11:32 am

There was an ENTJ (I’m INFJ) that I dated last spring for 5-7 weeks. We went on 3 dates, he’s been married 2 times (last one 17 years) and seems to not have taken much of a break after the divorce. He told me that he had slept around and one 8 mth girlfriend before me (thought was fun but no moral compass) and decided that he wasn’t going to till marriage since he found out it can be emotionally damaging to the girl.

He also said I was the first one to not kiss him by the 1st or 2nd date (COVID prevention was a factor also with a hug on the 3rd date) and that it was a cerebal connection. When he went on vaction 1,000 miles away, he became very distant (and during our dating he seemed to pull away & apologize later). He said he was vacillating if we could be long-term/marriage. When he came back from vacation he sent a text saying he made a connection with a girl there. I was surprised and wished him well but said I could remain friends but didn’t know what that would look like.

Immediately after, he began “orbiting” my social media page and liking a lot. I sensed maybe it was guilt. I had stopped following him after our break off, made post less and basically never said anything about our dating our my post feelings. I resisted and I think it was the right choice. A month after he began dating the gal. It was over the top postings and trips to see each other that his ex girlfriend immediately blocked him and everything disappeared. I hadn’t seen anything till a month and half later and decided to put him on break so he couldn’t see my post and create space. Only my public profile photo (usually landscape or flowers) or background. He still would make some comments. I took a total break for 45 days and when I came back on I discovered their relationship seemed broken. Their last argument was through comments and it seemed to be over the distance. I had already settled in my mind before seeing that that I was ready to see whatever, engagement or what not and see him as just another social media friend. I unbroke him so that he could see my postings.

What I find interesting is that he’s still liking various post. But if I were to look back at any of his ex girlfriends pages, there’s no communication or liking after. He also seems to be picky about who he responds to. He said that he’s selective and I remember him saying he wasn’t sure why his mother was still friends with his ex girlfriend. Anyways, everything I’ve read on ENTJ’s is that usually when a dating relationship is over, its usually over. He told me he didn’t see any reason for us not to be friends because I never did anything egregious so he welcomed friendship. Being that we only met from online dating and there was not a connection before, is this behavior unusual for an ENTJ?

My thoughts were that he respects me as a friend, wanted to wipe away his guilt in the beginning, felt he was a jerk to me, knew it could never work out but wants the best for me. Any thoughts?  By the way it was a process but I did move on have gone on dates since and made more male friends as I’ve been developing through what I’m looking for long-term, but not like this one.

November 2, 2021 at 9:41 pm

First of all, I want to say that this reflection shows how much self awareness you have and create space for nurture. My specialization is not relationship but I recognize patterns in my practice and work a lot with narrative therapy. A good way i suggest to my clients is to look at your story and your partner’s story because often while being interconnected, the narratives exist on their own subjectively for each one too. Another way to look at it is if there are any fictional characters ex of yours resembles. I remember in a previous relationship one of my ex was extremely similar to an adult version of Ponyboy  he is a character with like many contradictions- this sort of helped me look at my beau with some distance- of course it is not fool proof but has its own perks when done critically