Whether we order coffee from a grumpy barista in the morning or we have to interact with an overbearing colleague at work, it is inevitable that we will deal with difficult people on a daily basis. How do you manage interactions when someone gets under your skin? My instinct is often to ignore or avoid the person altogether. However, lately, I’ve been taking a more nuanced approach when managing my interactions with individuals that I might perceive as challenging. Below, I’ve summarized some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way:

Try not to take anything personally.

It’s important to remember that when a person makes a seemingly offensive off-handed comment about anything from the shirt we are wearing to the quality of our work more often than not they do not mean to frustrate us. Sometimes people have valuable insight that we shouldn’t eschew, but we should also consider that they are viewing the situation from their unique world-view.

A former colleague of mine struggled with anxiety. When her personal life was in greater disarray, I noticed spikes in her criticism of my work. While in some instances, she made valid points, I learned to step back from her comments and realized that the times she was unusually harsh correlated with the difficult periods in her life. This realization enabled me to take a deep breath and not react to her words.

Here’s an excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements that I’ve found particularly useful when remembering not to take anything personally:

“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Practice understanding and compassion.

Especially if we find someone particularly irritating, it might be difficult to practice compassion and understanding. For me, it helps to attempt to understand where the person is coming from, to think about what they might be going through, and even to ask them directly about their situation if it feels appropriate. A basic level of understanding enables me to be much more compassionate when I interact with challenging people.

A measured, calm Zen Buddhist approach can help guide our interactions, creating unique opportunities for growth and wisdom. Here’s an article by Pema Chodron, entitled “What To Do When The Going Gets Rough” that could be a useful guide, and another practical piece by Deepak Chopra. In addition, when we find ourselves being judgmental toward another person, or thinking that we know what’s going, it is important to start to ask yourself questions on why you are feeling a certain way. Here’s a link to a previous post entitled “More Curiosity, Less Judgment” which provides an exercise integrating theory from both cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based psychology.

Wait, and then communicate.

If I’m annoyed with someone and react strongly, I have learned that it’s a signal that I need to wait and let the emotion subside before I communicate my frustrations. When I react quickly, I often regret what I have said later. In the heat of an argument or a tense interaction, we often don’t mean what we say and are letting the “ego” speak without clearly understanding the situation and everyone’s unique perspective. I also have a tendency to vent to other people. Instead, I’ve learned to communicate more directly in an authentic and clear manner. Direct communication can help clarify misunderstandings immediately and remove any tension or friction. Here’s a great piece of wisdom from Wayne Dyer:

“Remember that grievances bring turmoil while communication brings peace. You can shed grievances by letting go of your own self-absorption and practicing forgiveness. If you are angry toward someone in your life, work at communicating with that person. A few moments of discussion and forgiveness can send the turmoil away and weaken the influence of your anxiety-loving ego.”

Every interaction can be an opportunity for growth. I believe we get more out of our daily encounters – even frustrating ones – if we look at them as ways to improve ourselves and our understanding of others. As I have learned lately, it’s important not to take anything personally, practice understanding and compassion, and wait before communicating. The more I’ve incorporated these lessons into my daily life, the better I’ve felt at the end of the day, knowing that I brought my best self forward in my relationships.

About this Contributor: Christina Vo received a Bachelor of Science in Public Health from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a Masters in Social and Public Communication from the Department of Social Psychology at the London School of Economics and Political Science. She has worked for UNDP, UNICEF and Solidaridad in Hanoi, Vietnam and was a Global Leadership Fellow for the World Economic Forum in Geneva, Switzerland. Christina has a deep interest in psychology and well-being, and hopes her writing will have a positive impact on others. For more information about Christina’s work, please visit www.christinavo.com.